Home Run! Demarini's New ‘Dad Goggles’ Turn Outs Into Hits

HILLSBORO, Ore.--A major baseball bat company believes it has finally created the perfect hitting machine.

Demarini Corp., maker of trendy bats such as the Voodoo and the CF Insane, on Thursday unveiled a new product it calls Dad Goggles.

The devices look like regular sunglasses, but come with a twist: They transform weak ground balls into screaming line drives and strikeouts into home runs.

The lenses double as high-definition computer screens. Using a patented technology called Popvision, the glasses' onboard computer recreates events in real time. A separate bluetooth earpiece transforms the loud curse words often heard at youth baseball games into enthusiastic cheers.

Demarini is also launching Momicles, a vision device for mothers that removes love handles and beer guts from the misshapen midsections of the cargo shorts-wearing slobs they regret having married.

The term “dad goggles” has been around for years, often used by travel baseball coaches who complain that fathers see their kids as superstars even when they are God awful and have no business even watching a baseball game, much less playing in one.

Dad Goggles will retail for $999 without sound or $1,199 with the ear piece. Demarini isn’t worried it will be too expensive, since it already makes stupid money selling bats for $500 that cost about $20 to manufacture.

Many fathers have pre-ordered the devices, undaunted by the fact that the images are fake.

“I can’t wait to get them,” said Fred Chambers, father of a 14-year-old outfielder. “I don’t need to see my kid struggle out there, and I definitely don’t need to yell at him on the way home, send him to bed without dinner or replay the game in my head while drinking myself into a stupor and eating a convenience-store burrito.”--SB!